Showtime Subway Dancers Seek Workers Compensation from City of New York

A group of nearly a hundred Showtime Subway dancers has filed a class action lawsuit seeking workers compensation from the city of New York. The suit represents performers from 35 dance crews including Crown Heights-based Squiggle Head and The Funk Blasters of South Bronx.

Showtime dancing, an art best viewed through side eye, has become a staple of the NYC subway commute. Dancers stick to a grueling performance schedule, magically appearing every time your book starts to get good. They dazzle the crowd with pole flips and a unique style of breakdancing that elicits pity donations, but the suit alleges they have never been given the workers compensation they’re entitled to as public servants.

Injuries are rampant within the industry and something as simple as tripping over the boom box can leave dancers unable to work for months at a time.

Frequent Q-train performer Jizzy- Jay believes the city’s refusal to adequately protect the livelihoods of his colleagues “is bull shit and basically formalizes the historical preference shown towards workers with technically legal occupations.”

Marta Garza, the attorney who represents the performers, hopes a victory will help extend benefits to not only her clients, but other deserving city workers like Times Square Elmo and Naked Cowboy. 

Guantanamo Style Workouts Sell Out Across the City

New York City gyms are rushing to add so-called “Guantanamo Workouts” to their class offerings. SoulCycle first introduced this style of group workout 6 weeks ago and classes are already fully booked for the next four months.

For $65, fitness enthusiasts are treated to “an adrenaline-pumping 50-minute workout guaranteed to soil your spandex.” Depending on skill level, participants can expect everything from solitary confinement and sensory deprivation to light waterboarding. Water and access to bathroom facilities can be purchased for an additional fee.

Fitness clubs are scrambling to meet high demand for these classes. Equinox posted a listing on their career page seeking “dishonorably discharged soldiers with foreign service experience” to help teach the Guantanamo way. The wait list for Guantanamo Workouts at Equinox has become so long that some members have taken to standing outside the studio holding handmade signs demanding entry.

New Yorkers lucky enough to get a coveted spot in class are thrilled with the results. TriBeCa resident Becca Murphy swears by SoulCycle’s Guantanmo Workout, noting it’s the only fitness routine that’s helped her achieve “that starving orphan look” she’s been seeking for years. 

Bushwick’s HBO GO Account Canceled, Residents Riot in the Streets

Bushwick residents were in for a rude awakening Wednesday morning. Thousands of people tried to log into Bushwick’s collective HBO GO account only to be informed that the streaming service wasn’t available. It’s estimated that 80% of Bushwick’s population has been accessing HBO through a single Comcast account. The identity of gmonger@comcast.net remains unknown, but he or she has canceled HBO service, cutting off hoards of Brooklynites.

Jake Lee, who only has two episodes of The Jinx left to watch, described losing access to HBO as “a punch to the gut” and compared the experience to when his childhood dog died last year. "I’ve been pretty depressed about it, but it has given me time to reconnect with friends and check in at work.”

Not everyone in Bushwick was able to move on as easily. Dozens of residents took to the streets to unleash their anger. While some people chanted moody prose in the style of Hannah Horvath, others went full-on Game of Thrones and set shit on fire. NYPD was called to the 500 block of Knickerbocker to investigate a man trying to slay a city bus with a Swiffer broom.

Officer Dan Stern described the scene as “a pretty basic temper tantrum. Nothing a good nap won’t fix.” While no arrests were made in connection with the incident, authorities have formed a strike team to investigate the intricate web of HBO GO accounts and identify high risk areas. 

Growing Pile of Dog Shit in Williamsburg Roped Off as Possible Banksy Installation

Two Williamsburg residents have taken it upon themselves to help preserve what could be a valuable piece of street art. Sam Gomez and Jamie Horwitz first noticed the eye-catching structure while walking past McCarren Park last weekend. Local dogs have taken to shitting in a specific spot near the northwest corner of the park, creating an impressive looking mound.

While most people recognize it as simply a giant pile of crap, Gomez and Horwitz think it could be the work of Banksy, the elusive street artist whose unsigned pieces often appear mysteriously. Though feces is not a medium Banksy typically works in, he’s been known to experiment with cutting edge techniques.

Gomez and Horwitz have positioned caution tape around the area and take turns patrolling the art installation, often getting help from their underemployed friends. Dogs are free to explore and add to the mass, but human intervention is strictly guarded against. “This is both a health code violation and a huge pain in my ass,” said Urban Park Ranger Stan Knope, who is charged with keeping McCarren Park clean. “I tried to explain to the boys that dogs often defecate on the grass, but they have thwarted all my cleanup efforts.”

Gomez believes he is protecting a gold mine. “Based on what Banksy’s works have sold for at auction, I’d say we’re sitting on about $4 million of shit,” he said. Horwitz has already inked a deal with local artist Kit Buxman to create an exclusive line of t-shirts and tote bags bearing the likeness of the poop sculpture. Items will be available for purchase online and at McCarren Park. 

FlyCleaners Delivers Clothing to Correct Customer, Awarded Key to the City

FlyCleaners, the New York City- based laundry delivery service, had its first documented case of returning a bag of clothing to the correct customer last Thursday. The news first broke when @BasicBrittany tweeted “gotta love clean jammies on this rainy night, thanks @FlyCleaners #blessed.”

FlyCleaners, which launched over two years ago, has earned a reputation as a company that literally cannot do the simplest of tasks correctly. Samantha Brooks, a resident of Greenwich Village, described her experience with FlyCleaners this summer as “dealing with a level of incompetence on the scale of eating at Applebee’s. I’m frankly shocked they’ve come this far.”

Sarah Norton, the spokeswoman for FlyCleaners, was equally surprised at their recent achievement, noting, “sometimes the order gets so fucked up that it ends up back in the right place again. We’ll just keep doing what we’re doing.”

Mayor de Blasio was so tickled at the good news that he awarded FlyCleaners an honorary key to the city in a ceremony at City Hall. FlyCleaners COO Billy Benz was unable to attend the ceremony as he accidentally got on the subway going the wrong way. Benz has promised he’ll schedule another pickup to get the key real soon. 

MTA Opens 7 Train Line Extension as Underground Walkway

The MTA has officially announced the opening of the 7 train extension. The new portion of the line expands service from Times Square to 34th Street and 11th Avenue, helping to improve accessibility to the Hudson Yards area of Manhattan.

After months of construction issues which delayed completion, the MTA proudly declared it open for business. New Yorkers can take advantage of the covered walkway to commute down 34th Street starting today. “This is a huge win for residents along the Hudson, providing commuters with insulation from the weather and safety from cars and bikes on street-level walkways,” said MTA Project Manager Thomas Pinkerton.

While many New Yorkers assumed the improvements would include train service between these stations, Pinkerton clarified that providing functioning subway transportation was simply outside the budget and scope of this project. “At the end of the day we felt a cool underground tunnel to walk through would provide just as much value,” said Pinkerton.

The homeless population currently living in the tunnel is fully prepared to defend its territory, giving commuters “an authentic New York experience and a bit of a thrill,” said Pinkerton. “We’ve been encouraging them to relocate to the Second Avenue Subway, but until then outrunning panhandlers might even make your commute a little faster.” 

Stuyvesant High School Senior Mortified When iCloud Leak Reveals Lame Existence

Clare Jenkins, a senior at Stuyvesant High School, has become the object of bullying since her leaked iCloud photo album revealed nothing interesting at all. The hacked pictures included a series of selfies from chemistry lab, a photo of her poodle Ricardo dressed up like Bilbo Baggins, and the copyright page of A Brief History of Time, which she was saving for the works cited page of her final paper.

Stuyvesant students have flocked to social media to comment on the hack. Junior Class Treasurer Brad Jennings- Perk IV noted, “This pretty much confirms she’s a virgin.”

One anonymous student even created a Change.org petition to make sure something like this never happens to another Stuy student. So far ten apathetic students have loosely promised they would sign it.

Jenkins, formerly known only as "band girl who wears scrunchies,” had managed to avoid major embarrassment during her high school career. The National Merit Quarterfinalist was accepted early decision to Brown University where she plans to begin drinking moderately and join the lecture society.

Jessica Stein, another victim of the hack, actually saw her social ranking improve from “cute but anonymous” to “likely to put out” on the merit of notable photos like “Cheeky Hot Tub” and “Sideboob.” Stein did not wish to comment on this story, but did provide a portrait of herself in front of a fountain.

Stuyvesant Principal Emily Plunk can’t yet confirm the origin of the hack, but repeatedly mentioned that she’s “never trusted the fourth floor janitor.” 

New Dating App Matches Singles With Mutual STDs

A new dating app called Antibody is catching on with New Yorkers. It matches users based on common sexually transmitted diseases. Singles are required to enter their basic medical history upon signup and can select from an exhaustive database of diseases they currently suffer from. Antibody then runs a sophisticated algorithm to match users based on disease type, frequency and severity of outbreaks, and willingness to wear a paper bag during intercourse.

The app also features location-based matching which activates anytime you enter a pharmacy or health care provider. Antibody Community Manager Ali Wetzel said “doctor’s office waiting rooms will be the new hot spot to meet a potential mate. We see them as the Standard Biergarten for undateables.”

Founder and CEO Charlie Bentley, who counts both genital herpes and chlamydia amongst his many off- putting features, started the app to break down the stigma of dating with disease. “I can and will continue to make irresponsible sexual choices. This helps me find people I could also likely steal prescriptions from.”

The app is currently in private beta in the Williamsburg and Lower East Side neighborhoods of New York City. VP of Product Lance Neck said they’ve been able to “recruit a critical mass of infected individuals in these areas” and has high hopes that the app with be as contagious as the crippling illnesses of its users. 

Ikea Introduces Latest Bed Size: The New York King

Ikea unveiled a brand new style of bed at their Red Hook location yesterday. Dubbed the "New York King,” it was designed specifically to fit the needs of New Yorkers. Similar to its California King counterpart, the New York King is meant to instantly invoke a sense of the NYC lifestyle.

The new bed measures 28 inches across and 55 inches long, making it about 70% the size of a traditional twin bed. Unassembled, the bed collapses down to the size of a window AC unit and can comfortably fit beneath a subway bench.

Ikea’s Chief Innovation Officer Hans Shuller did extensive research on what design would fit the needs of the average city dweller. “We visited over 200 NYC apartments and discovered that none of the existing bed sizes would make the cut,” Shuller said. “We had to go smaller, cheaper, more resistant to water damage. It was an incredible challenge, but the people of New York deserve this.”

The Sadsmøll bed frame will retail for $49 and is available starting today. A line of accompanying bed sheets and duvet covers featuring bed bug resistant plastic coating is also available in stores. 

Union Square Trader Joe's Cited for Human Rights Violations

Amnesty International has publicly decried the Union Square location of Trader Joe’s for what it calls “a blatant denial of basic human freedoms.” Amnesty produced a 14-page report detailing a laundry list of human rights violations ranging from inadequately stocked free sample stations to overly laid back employees.                   

The crimes against humanity start from the moment you walk in the door. One Amnesty representative who investigated the store described it as “a nightmare” trying to get a shopping cart without a wobbly wheel on Sunday or anytime after work.                           

Perhaps the most disturbing part of the report details hoards of bodies snaked through the aisles waiting to pay. Some distraught customers even got in line as soon as they entered the store and did their shopping while waiting. One patron who wishes to remain anonymous said she and her fellow shoppers were treated like "a bunch of well-dressed cattle."  

The madness doesn’t end after checkout. Beverley Goldstein, a longtime resident of Stuy Town, recounted a harrowing story of having to walk outside to a separate storefront on an unseasonably cold fall day in order to purchase wine. Goldstein is reasonably confident she would’ve caught an earlier L train that day if they could just stop hiding the booze.

President Obama has yet to comment on the report, but has requested the complete offering of trail mixes and dried fruits be shipped to the White House for inspection.