Stuyvesant High School Senior Mortified When iCloud Leak Reveals Lame Existence

Clare Jenkins, a senior at Stuyvesant High School, has become the object of bullying since her leaked iCloud photo album revealed nothing interesting at all. The hacked pictures included a series of selfies from chemistry lab, a photo of her poodle Ricardo dressed up like Bilbo Baggins, and the copyright page of A Brief History of Time, which she was saving for the works cited page of her final paper.

Stuyvesant students have flocked to social media to comment on the hack. Junior Class Treasurer Brad Jennings- Perk IV noted, “This pretty much confirms she’s a virgin.”

One anonymous student even created a petition to make sure something like this never happens to another Stuy student. So far ten apathetic students have loosely promised they would sign it.

Jenkins, formerly known only as "band girl who wears scrunchies,” had managed to avoid major embarrassment during her high school career. The National Merit Quarterfinalist was accepted early decision to Brown University where she plans to begin drinking moderately and join the lecture society.

Jessica Stein, another victim of the hack, actually saw her social ranking improve from “cute but anonymous” to “likely to put out” on the merit of notable photos like “Cheeky Hot Tub” and “Sideboob.” Stein did not wish to comment on this story, but did provide a portrait of herself in front of a fountain.

Stuyvesant Principal Emily Plunk can’t yet confirm the origin of the hack, but repeatedly mentioned that she’s “never trusted the fourth floor janitor.”