Week 45: Comedic Crepes & Fake Felicity

Wednesday, December 7, 2016
Location: Black Cat Cafe (LES)
Event: Hack City Comedy Show
Food: Crepes

Continuing my self-destructive behavior of going to free amateur comedy shows, I attended the Hack City Comedy Show. While it can be uncomfortable for the unseasoned comics to bomb jokes, I was even more uncomfortable, with the threat of audience participation keeping my anxiety at a constant high. Thankfully there were free crepes to distract me and a bathroom to hide in.

Thursday, December 8, 2016
Location: Dean & Deluca (SoHo)
Event: Holiday Entertaining Tasting
Food: Pâté on toast, panna cotta, fancy vegetable

Ever since I moved to New York 3 years ago I assumed my life would be a lot like the classic WB drama Felicity. While that's been largely inaccurate, I do occasionally live beyond my means and shop at Dean & Deluca, the scene of many of Felicity's defining moments in love and life. They hosted a Holiday Entertaining Tasting to give hostesses like myself ideas on what to serve to my not imaginary guests.

Sunday, December 11, 2016
Location: WeWork (Chelsea)
Event: Holiday Happening
Food: Insomnia cookie

I have strong negative feelings towards WeWork for mostly unsubstantiated reasons. It may just be that everyone I've met that works from there is insufferable. They hosted a holiday shop showcasing products from a variety of "totally viable businesses" that have offices at WeWork. Cater2.me served samosas and there were Insomnia cookies so I could forgive the terrible company.

Week 44: Water Bikes & Virtual Likes

Tuesday, November 29, 2016
Location: AQUA Studio NY (TriBeCa)
Event: Zenberry Cares
Food: Various crostini

Just when I thought paying $35 for the privilege of riding on a stationary bike for 45 mins was the most ridiculous thing New York had to offer I found out about Aqua Cycle. Aqua Cycle is like spinning except the bikes are at the bottom of a pool to add that extra element of MAYBE DROWNING. They also sometimes host charity events which is how I ended up there. Zenberry (a protein powder) celebrated Giving Tuesday by donating a portion of sales to charity in a friendly environment with kombucha and crostini.

Wednesday, November 30, 2016
Location: AbelCine (West Village)
Event: Creating in VR
Food: Falafel, bread, cheese, and strawberries

Virtual reality is really exciting to antisocial people like me. Camera equipment store AbelCine let me try some VR headsets and get a peek at my future solitary life. I strapped on a Samsung device which brought me to the Chicago Cubs victory parade and took me skydiving. I also got to engage in my favorite non-virtual pastime of eating blocks of cheese.

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7 meals in November // $35 donated to Food Bank For New York City

Week 43: Skinny Sisters & Crooked Brothers

Monday, November 14, 2016
Location: Rent the Runway (Flatiron)
Event: Holiday Pregame
Food: Mint chocolate cupcake

Fashion events are uncomfortable for me because it's very obvious I haven't updated my wardrobe since my mom took me to Kohl's last Christmas. They also have a tendency to serve comically small versions of food—like cupcakes you can swallow like a multivitamin. Most ladies stuck to champagne at this Rent the Runway event which made everyone more chatty and less confused about having to pay $100 to borrow a dress for a day.

Thursday, November 17, 2016
Location: ABC Carpet & Home (Union Square)
Event: abcmkt night
Food: Mast Brothers chocolate

Bougey home goods store ABC Carpet & Home hosted a tasting in their downstairs market, serving up a plethora of small bites. I got to try Mast Brothers chocolate which I would never pay for, but is one of my favorite downfalls in the seedy world of artisinal chocolate. They built their company on the promise of candy made straight from cocoa beans, but it turns out they were just melting down Hershey's bars. Intrigue!

Week 42: Stress Eating & Shit Talking

Monday, November 7, 2016
Location: Housing Works Bookstore (SoHo)
Event: The Common Issue 12 Launch Party
Food: Crackers, cheese, and grapes

Housing Works Bookstore celebrated the latest issue of The Common, a literary journal featuring content with a strong sense of place (says their website). Contributors read excerpts from the issue while the audience basked in the final moments of a world before president-elect Trump. I stayed the requisite amount of time needed for it to not be awkward that I ate so many of their crackers.

Wednesday, November 9, 2016
Location: Hank's Saloon (Downtown Brooklyn)
Event: Devour Hour Comedy
Food: Cherry pie

Hank's Saloon helped to cure the post-election blues with some free pie and not terrible amateur comedy.  It's one of those places that has zero natural light and doesn't put a full effort into washing its glasses. After spending the day texting a lot of poo emojis and intermittently crying on the subway, it was nice to be in a place as divey as my heart felt.

Week 41: Mimolette & Ice Set

Monday, October 31, 2016
Location: French Cheese Board (SoHo)
Event: Halloween Tasting
Food: Mimolette cheese

In spite of my aforementioned bad blood with the French, I had a fairly lovely time eating more of their cheese. The star of the Halloween tasting was Mimolette, which is a hard cheese the exact color of a pumpkin. I somehow got suckered into buying a large block of this cheese which is now the star of my fridge as the only non-condiment in there.

Tuesday, November 1, 2016
Location: Bryant Park (Midtown)
Event: Winter Village Grand Opening
Food: Waffle with Nutella

Even though the date was November 1st and the temperature was 63, Bryant Park decided it was time to commence ice skating season. Former Olympian and current nothing Johnny Weir kicked off the celebration with an ice dance and then the main event started—free samples from vendors. In uncharacteristic fashion I didn't want to be too greedy so I just got a waffle and enjoyed my favorite pastime of watching people try to ice skate for the first time.

7 meals in October // $35 donated to Food Bank For New York City

Week 40: Tiny Foods & Tall Girls

Friday, October 28, 2016
Location: Astor Place
Event: Zagat Tiny Cafe
Food: Emily pizza

I guess there are some people that spend time making tiny food with tiny ovens and tiny spatulas. While my diet techniques are not as sophisticated, they're a bit less ridiculous. Zagat decided to lean into this tiny trend by having a pop-up shop serving mini versions of some NYC favorites. I got to try a very small version of Emily's Luca Pizza, which in this form tasted like a church wafer. On the plus side, all this tiny food made me feel tall which is a rare treat.

Week 39: Meats & Feats

Saturday, October 22, 2016
Location: Madison Square Park (Flatiron)
Event: Guinness World Records attempt for tallest sandwich
Food: Salami sandwich

I ate a sandwich every day for the first 18 years of my life and I consider it a tragedy that I've missed a few days since then. When I heard a local deli was vying for the Guinness World Record for tallest sandwich it felt like the bat mitzvah I never had come to life. Better yet—the thing they chose to sandwich was salami, which is perhaps the king of deli meats. The record setting sandwich they made was actually a lot smaller than what I imagined so I think I have a shot at dethroning them next year.

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Week 38: Cheese & Freeze

Tuesday, October 11, 2016
Location: Bunga's Den (Chelsea)
Event: Amazingtown Comedy Show
Food: Pizza

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result. This perfectly describes my second visit to Amazingtown comedy show which for some reason I expected to be any less awkward than the first time. The only comedian I found funny was the guy I had seen last time I went and that may just be the Stockholm Syndrome talking. They frequently referred to pizza as the headliner act so at least they had a sense of humor about it.

Friday, October 14, 2016
Location: La Newyorkina (Greenwich Village)
Event: Grand Opening
Food: Strawberries and cream paleta

While not quite as good as burritos and nachos, Mexican desserts are still pretty tasty. La Newyorkina served up free paletas for the grand opening of their new store. My first choice mango was all gone so I went for strawberries and cream. It happened to be an unseasonably warm day so my eating a popsicle was basically inevitable.

Week 37: Meatpacking & Monocles

Thursday, October 6, 2016
Location: Warby Parker (Meatpacking)
Event: Warby Parker + Darcel Launch
Food: Sugar cookie

Warby Parker held a launch party for their partnership with Darcel, which from what I can tell is literally just a drawing of a bug wearing a monocle. Good for him, but I'm a real human being who wears all different kinds of things and I can't get any partnerships. Despite the absurdity of the premise, the event was great because I got a cute cookie and I didn't have to talk to anyone.

Week 36: Pasta Problems & A Tree Grows in Brooklyn

Wednesday, September 28, 2016
Location: Brooklyn Public Library (Prospect Heights)
Event: History of Pasta Making in Brooklyn
Food: Cheese, grapes, and crackers

Brooklyn Library hosted a lecture on the history of pasta making in Brooklyn. While this sounds awesome because the title includes one of my main food groups, it ended up being more like watching a distant cousin go through a slideshow of his vacation to Orlando. The who's who of obscure pasta manufacturing machinery were in attendance and were exactly as interesting as they seem. I may just be bitter because they didn't serve pasta. Missed opportunity.

Saturday, October 1, 2016
Location: MetroTech Commons (Downtown Brooklyn)
Event: Spencer Finch: Lost Man Creek Opening Reception
Food: Grilled cheese, chicken wing, prosciutto & melon

When I want to be the worst dressed and most socially awkward person in a room I go to an art opening. This one was for Spencer Finch's latest piece at MetroTech Commons. He produced a to scale replica of a section of the redwood forest. Because why not. The drinks were very free flowing which made me only a little less awkward.

6 meals in September // $30 donated to Food Bank For New York City

Week 35: Fashion Foes & Faux Pas

Tuesday, September 20, 2016
Location: Liebeskind Berlin Store
Event: Fall/Winter Launch Party
Food: Small cupcake

So my worst nightmare happened: someone called me out for being that socially unaware person who takes pictures of their food. Taking pictures is my least favorite part of my free food life because I feared this day would come (and because I've gotten consistently negative feedback about the quality of my photos). Other than that trauma it was a pretty dull event filled with German accessories and people not interested in eating full sized cupcakes.

Week 34: French Cheese & American Democracy

Tuesday, September 13, 2016
Location: French Institute Alliance Française
Event: Open House
Food: Bread and cheese

This event confirmed that French people do not understand or like me. Perhaps it's my outward mocking of them or that time I said I hate Paris, but we're not homies. I do however fully support wine and bread and cheese, which in combination make me abandon all my values. I got into a small disagreement about how much cheese I wanted, which ended amicably with my promising I would never come back.

Saturday, September 17, 2016
Location: Ninth Ave. Street Fair (Hell's Kitchen)
Event: Ben & Jerry's Pledge to Vote
Food: Berry Berry Extraordinary Sorbet

I was just walking down 9th Ave when I noticed a crowd gathering—which usually means a biker got hit by a car or free food. Luckily for all of us it was the latter. Ben & Jerry's was giving away free ice cream in exchange for pledging to vote in the upcoming presidential election. While Ben and Jerry won't get the chance to vote for their Vermont homeboy Bernie they were doing their part to support democracy and dessert.

Week 33: Hot Dogs & Cold Openings

Monday, September 5, 2016
Location: Freddy's Bar (South Slope)
Event: Labor Day BBQ
Food: Hot dog, chips, and salad

South Slope bar Freddy's helped me start my Monday how I hope all Mondays start—with a hot dog! I had recently been to Costco so this dog was a bit amateur, but it got the job done. The Labor Day BBQ brought out a good crowd of locals to celebrate their day off right with meat and beer. I spent the rest of my day wandering around nearby Green-Wood Cemetery in a mostly not creepy way.

Wednesday, September 7, 2016
Location: Madewell (Meatpacking)
Event: Grand Opening
Food: Ample Hills munchies ice cream

While I always think Madewell is a little too expensive for what you get, their store openings provide great value. Not only did they have Ample Hills serving up free scoops of ice cream, but scenester brunch spot Bubby's passed out sandwiches and hors d'oeuvres. It was physically impossible to shop while smashed up against a thousand other freebie seekers so I didn't even feel pressure to buy anything. Perfect evening.

Week 32: Beef & Beers

Monday, August 29, 2016
Location: Brooklyn Brewery (Williamsburg)
Event: Tripel Burner Release Party
Food: Oddfellows dried fig and liquorice ice cream, beef tartare, and rock candy

Brooklyn Brewery hosted a launch party for their new seasonal flavor Tripel Burner. A beer whose main ingredient is licorice root is not a classic choice for a humid August night, but still probably an upgrade from what I normally drink. The menu was a bit of a hodgepodge that included ice cream, beef tartare, and rock candy but that didn't stop me from eating all of it.

4 meals in August // $20 donated to Food Bank For New York City

Week 31: Fonts & Falafel

Thursday, August 25, 2016
Location: Paperless Post (FiDi)
Event: Design Talks: Mikey Burton
Food: Falafel, pita, and veggies

As someone who had a brief love affair with the Comic Sans typeface, I need all the design help I can get. Paperless Post hosted a design talk from Mikey Burton who spent a period of his life illustrating all the food he ate—which may make him the most important person I've met. After the presentation they served up my favorite variety of mediterraneany type food and I played with temporary tattoos. What a day to be alive.

Week 30: Dancing Days & Cheesy Nights

Monday, August 8, 2016
Location: Huckleberry Bar (Williamsburg)
Event: Cheesy Movie Night
Food: Mac & cheese

Huckleberry Bar in Williamsburg hosted cheesy movie night, serving up mac & cheese and the best kind of films. Shamefully this marked the first time I've ever seen Flashdance. It's a story about a small town manual laborer/stripper who really just wants to dance. It made me think about life and if I should have more industrial-inspired clothing in my wardrobe.

Week 29: Tweets & Eats

Tuesday, August 2, 2016
Location: Twitter (Chelsea)
Event: Women in Mobile Growth
Food: Pizza and cupcake

My general stance on Twitter is that it's the dumbest thing ever made, but my allegiances are very flexible when there's free food involved. This event featured three female panelists from GrubHub, Rent the Runway, and Meetup. They discussed strategizes for mobile growth and other things of little consequence. They did spring for the pepperoni pizza so no complaints on my end.

Week 28: Costco Wishes & Cookie Dreams

Monday, July 25, 2016
Location: Brooklyn Historical Society (Brooklyn Heights)
Event: Reel Food Screening: Fed Up
Food: Olives, feta, stuffed grape leaves, and pineapple

Brooklyn Historical Society hosted a screening of Fed Up which is a documentary that confirms everything I'm eating is killing me. I never thought Flaming Hot Cheetos were healthy exactly, but I hoped we could make our relationship work. Basically big food companies are the new tobacco companies and everything in the grocery store is garbage. It was very depressing, but the museum has the coolest toilet flusher I've ever used. You kind of have to see it for yourself.

Tuesday, July 26, 2016
Location: General Assembly (Flatiron)
Event: NYC Mobile App Dev Meetup
Food: Costco pizza and cookie

Truly one of the biggest downsides of living in New York City is lack of access to Costco. Even if you can make it to their East Harlem or Brooklyn locations I don't know of any NYC apartments with enough space to store 32 rolls of paper towels. Safe to say I was instantly impressed when I saw this event was serving Costco pizza and cookies. I ate two slices of pizza and a chocolate chip cookie and I remember nothing else about that night.

Wednesday, July 27, 2016
Location: LMHQ (FiDi)
Event: DevSocial Summer Mixer
Food: Chips, guacamole, cheese, and strawberries

If you want to see me at my most awkward, just leave me at a networking event. I'm even more awkward when I clearly don't belong, which was the case for this event aimed at recent graduates of engineering bootcamps. I'm good at eating guacamole and cheese cubes, but people feel weird when they see you doing it by yourself in a corner. Nonetheless, haters gonna hate and I regret nothing.

Week 27: Sunday & Sunshine

Sunday, July 24, 2016
Location: Georgetown Cupcake (SoHo)
Event: Secret Flavor
Food: Vanilla Sunshine Cupcake

Now that I'm basically a badass adult I can start my Sunday how I always dreamed I would—by eating cupcakes in SoHo. Georgetown Cupcake has a secret flavor every day which they give away for free. This time it was Vanilla Sunshine which was alarmingly yellow, but still tasted pretty good. Given my startlingly low ability to earn income, a permanent move to SoHo seems improbable, but I'll happily interlope.

Week 26: Duck Nights & Sticky Sights

Monday, July 11, 2016
Location: 7-Eleven (Chelsea)
Event: Free Slurpee Day
Food: Sour Patch Redberry Slurpee

I was treated to the stickiest 7-Eleven experience I've had when I stopped by to get my free Slurpee. The entire store was covered in a layer of liquid sugar as we waited in line to use the last functioning Slurpee machine that was left standing at 7pm. I chose the most offensive flavor I could find and proceeded to spill it all over my hands and the counter, leaving the place just as disgusting as I found it.

Wednesday, July 13, 2016
Location: Jing Fong (Chinatown)
Event: Complimentary Peking Duck Day
Food: Peking duck

I made my second appearance at Jing Fong for one of their complimentary food nights. This time around they were serving up Peking duck, which is a nice change of pace from my usual diet of pizza and old cookies. I spent most of dinner ignoring my friends and trying to catch Pokémon on my phone so it was basically my ideal night.